First of all, to break down the title, “healing prayer” in this case refers to inner healing, not physical, and “on the go” refers to in my car on the way to work this morning. 
I have been feeling tired. I get so frustrated that I am still dealing with depression, even after years of medication and therapy and prayer. I am just tired of being sad.
Don’t get me wrong, there has been progress made – significant progress. I don’t feel like this ALL the time, and I have more energy than ever before, but it is still a struggle every day.
So I was asking the Lord this morning to tell me what is holding me back and I immediately heard the words “worthlessness” and feeling like I am “not good enough”. The next thing I thought of is how I am always saying “I should…”
I place so many expectations on myself, and many of them aren’t even realistic. I get down on myself for not picking up new skills immediately or for not knowing how to handle a social situation gracefully or for not being enthusiastic about playing with Michael every time he asks. The biggest one is that I tell myself I should be better by now because of how long it has been – ironic, because that’s what keeps me from asking for more help when I most need it.
So, the next step in the process is to ask where this came from, where did it start. The memory that popped into my head was of being a few weeks into first grade and being tested by the school psychologist (or someone like that) before being skipped to second grade. I vividly remember watching her draw a picture of five apples and then her amazement that I could tell her how many there were without looking at the picture. I told her, “But I watched you draw them.”
I still don’t think that is necessarily an impressive thing for a six year old to do, but the memory has always stuck with me.
Anyway, I find it interesting that the memory I saw was of being praised, not of being criticized (because I certainly have those memories as well!). I feel like it’s the combination of being praised when I could do something well and being scolded or simply overlooked when I didn’t rise to the top that I interpreted to mean I needed to do things well and learn them quickly to be worthwhile.
There’s more to the process, but that’s as far as I got this morning, and on the way home from work I was too distracted by the three separate people who pulled out in front of me and starting to wonder if I was perhaps invisible. 
This post was written for Steady Mom’s 30-Minute Blog Challenge. I wrote most of it in 15 minutes just before I started work and spent another 10 minutes finishing it just now.
{ 5 comments }
What an interesting line of thought. I, too, get bogged down by the shoulds — so much so that I am sometimes paralyzed into inaction. I think I’ll follow your lead and see if figuring out where it came from can help me to fight it.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..GTT: Not-so-hot hotties =-.
I also found this post fascinating and novel for most of the posts I read. Very impressive composition for quick work. If you’ve read my page on intelligence, you know I think of intelligence as ‘speed’.
It is so hard to be (trying to be) good at everything. That self-expectation thing certainly is an emotional trap.
Thank you for reading and commenting – something that cheers me!
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..The mistaken view of learning through function =-.
It is a long process but sounds like you have made a step in the right direction.
.-= Casdok´s last blog ..Being complacent =-.
Oh, girl you’re on the right track. Give yourself a break. The only one you have to answer to is God and he knows your heart. I’m an extremely late bloomer, but I always keep in mind, Susan Boyle and Laura Ingalls Wilder. They too are late bloomers because really they were too busy living to get things done. Remember we are still all under construction. You are loved.
.-= Territory Mom´s last blog ..A Small Miracle =-.
I try to get rid of the word “should” and, if it can be replacec by “need,” keep the thought.
Depression is something I am all too familiar with but have been conquering through hard work with the Lord. It took quite some time but I can generally say I am happy. If you would like some info. on the process I had to go through I would be happy to share with you, sweetie.
Thanks for being so willing to share. gail
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